When Family Conversations Feel Hard in Midlife
My conversation with Ruthie Gray on the Sandwich Season Sanity podcast
I was recently a guest on the Sandwich Season Sanity podcast with host Ruthie Gray, and we talked about something many of us feel but don’t always know how to name.
What happens when the people we love most don’t see the world the way we do?
In midlife, we often find ourselves right in the middle. Parents above us with long-held beliefs. Adult kids below us forming their own. And somewhere in there, we’re changing too.
It can feel heavy. I’ll share a few quotes from the conversation below, and I hope you tune in and listen to the whole conversation!
At one point in the conversation, I said something that I regularly remind myself of:
“We’re not in a battle with those people. These are our human beings. These are our family members.”
That word battle shows up a lot, especially around holidays or hard conversations. “Pray for us; we’re going into battle at the dinner table.” But I wonder: What are we really saying when we use that language? Are we unintentionally turning the people we love into opponents?
The Tension We Carry
Part of what makes this season so complicated is that everyone is processing life at the same time but in different directions.
I shared this realization during the conversation:
“We’re trying to deal with our own questions while watching our loved ones process in very different ways.”
We’re trying to keep everyone happy. But that’s where things start to break down because peace isn’t the same as everyone agreeing. And unity doesn’t require sameness.
The Temptations We Don’t Always Admit
When differences show up with our parents or our children, many of us fall into one of a few patterns:
We try to correct
We shut down
Or we consider pulling away altogether
“It’s tempting to say, ‘You don’t think like I do; I’m done.’ But then you lose the relationship.”
And sometimes it’s subtler than that. It’s the internal dialogue. I’ve been working on not just stopping what I say out loud, but stopping the mental correcting in my head. What’s happening internally always finds its way out eventually.
What’s Actually Helping
I didn’t go into that conversation as an expert. I went in as someone in the middle of it, figuring it out as I go.
But there are a few things that have genuinely shifted the atmosphere for me, and I shared them in the episode:
1. Doing something together instead of just sitting and talking
When we’re all sitting in a circle, conversations tend to drift into tension.
But when we’re cooking, carving pumpkins, or flipping through old photos, it changes the tone.
2. Planning better conversations
I pre-plan some topics—questions about family history or stories—and use those to redirect when things get tense. It sounds simple, but it works.
3. Letting people tell the same stories again
Even when I’ve heard them a hundred times. Because they light up when they tell that story. And maybe that matters more than my need for something new.
A Shift That Changed Everything
This has probably been the biggest one for me:
“I always try to keep in mind that I could be the one who’s wrong.”
Ten years ago, I wouldn’t have said that. Now, it creates space. It changes how I show up because I’ve proven myself wrong before!
If this is something you’re navigating too, I think you’ll resonate with the full conversation I had with Ruthie.
And if you do listen, I’d love to hear what stood out to you. Because chances are, you’re not the only one trying to figure this out.
P.S. I mentioned my bookThis Reimagined Empty Nest in the episode. Ruthie is one of the contributors in the book. You’ll find that linked below!
